Nap at work is the ultimate solution

It's 9:55 on a Monday morning and I'm trying to hustle a place in the long line of the mall's front entrance. You see, I've been braving the blazing heat for the past two weeks because of afternoon work shifts. And now that I'm in the morning shift, I ought not to be late.

I've been doing direct dialogue for about 1 year and 4 months and now I feel like my brain will drop cells like a split bag of rice. I want to go back to school, take MA, and have some brain cells connect. Or maybe find another job because my current job is killing me (now stop whining. get up and look for people who might "sign up for the environment") Darn it.

There goes Mr. Ogre Capitalism approaching me with his Pinay mate, obviously a success story. NOTE: A success story applies to some obvious couple, one native and one from a foreign land, who met through internet chatting (with or without utilizing a webcam), usually dates in tourist spots, and always have a place to hook up (usually in hotels near malls). The one who has a great deal of bucks has to pay for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. (Hey, I'm stereotyping!) Going back, the Ogre and the girl, upon sighting our banner, approached our humble booth and told me conspiratorially that we cannot save the climate. This one's pessimistic. I explained to him every detail of our campaign 'til my nose bleeds, and he said that the Philippine government will not hear us. Oh well, that's why we're trying to get people on board to pressure this so-called democratic government. To end the conversation, I just told him I respect his opinion. I noticed the girl seemed to have a big question mark clouding her face throughout the dialogue. She didn't even batted her heavily painted eyelid. I pity her. Anyway, the American kept pissing me off, telling me how businesses will close and be bankrupt if we continue trying to 'save the climate'. And just when I feel like breaking out into crushed watermelon color, they left. Thank goodness, I might not stop the rush of blood. I hope the man would go back to his country and have his lungs clouded by sniffing all the carbon dioxide emissions there.

This job always gets me talking to shallow-minded, self-absorbed, and arrogant beings. Luckily, I have a giant bulb in my brain with a "RUN" caption whenever scenarios get too dull to be able to handle. Some people always have the "deary me" aspect to every sentence. It's dull. It always gets on my nerves.

Anyway, what truly disheartens me with my job is when a new scheme moved in. (To those who know about this, don't get me wrong, I'm not after the money.) I won't detail it here, that's just bad taste. It comes like we have to work in order to get high salary. How's that?!? It would have been better if the new scheme comes with job security. I didn't work in an NGO to get paid big time. If I wind up living in a dreamworld full of get-rich-quick fantasies, then a NGO isn't in it. I work there because I love the advocacy and I wouldn't trade it for any amount. I love passing on the awareness about environmental issues and reminding people that we all have to be good stewards of this planet. All that can move me to do my work. Never use money for motivation.

If I get too bored and demotivated with my job soon, I would have no other choice but to resign. I wouldn't want to be a burden to my teammates. And I wouldn't want to waste the money I'm being paid for. Then, if I do not get a new job, my credit card will probably combust from friction strain. Sigh.

Why do I have to try to feel as though I'm not exhausted? I'm tired. I'm tired of being on time for work. I'm tired of feeling as if everybody expects something from me. I'm tired of trying to make everyone happy because I know they won't be. I'm tired of trying. I'm just tired.

A friend slash teammate once told me I am reliable. I don't know why I can't take it as a compliment. If being reliable is about doing what is required of you to do, staying committed, thinking outside of the box, and respecting my co-workers, well here I am, a productive member of society, at your service. But I have developed the idea that productivity is not based on a linear staircase, but on spiral, where I can traverse, climb, and then slide. And now I think I'm on a linear one. That's why I'm bored.

Maybe I can forget about being on time; I can wake up as late as possible to get to work. I like to sleep and I hate waking up. I have convinced myself and I would try to convince that it is not laziness. In fact, It's just thoroughly enjoying whatever it is I am doing. So, when I do something when I'm awake, I would not go to bed and keep doing it. And when I'm in a sweet slumber, I would not want to pull myself from the comforts offered by a pillow, a hotdog-pillow, and a bed. But, sigh, I know that everybody wouldn't be convinced by this. I remember somebody told me that we can't make all people understand us. She's right. We have to accept that having the opportunity to speak doesn't always give us the privilege to be understood.

You see, I'm focusing on myself again with all this, and this is no longer healthy. This attention to myself is somehow trivial or unworthy. Maybe I'm just claiming boredom with my work because I can't take a nap during working hours... Slacking is a frowning idea. But if it would make my job feel different, I'd embrace it. ;-)