Confession

i understand fickleness and indecision are signs of self-love. there are moments, i confess, when i can not make up my mind what God wills for me, that at times i end up veering from one opinion to another, from one practice to another, or from one method to another. i've come up with the biggest question in my life now: how would i know God's will? i have long been attached to this question that at times it drags me wasting time thinking so much of how in this sorry life would i know my Lord's will for me.

it was like as soon as God gets me a job, i want to be in another. as soon as i tasted one way of prayer, i wanted to try another. i had the hobby i was excited to start, suddenly i wanted to do a new one. i always make resolutions and end up breaking them with counter resolutions. before i finish one book, i begin to read another. i listened to my mentor and do not remember the answer when i am being asked, or even if i know the answer, i do not know how to express it in my own terms. if this continues, soon i will have no life at all. i dread the thought that my whole life will become a patchwork of confused daydreams and velleities in which i do nothing but defeat the work of grace, for the things i did will be an elaborate subconscious device of my nature to resist God, Whose work in my soul demands the sacrifice of all that i delight in and indeed, of all that i am.

i know i have to keep still and let Him do His work. but what makes it difficult to accept and understand that i have to be still? the fact that my physical and mental desires are naturally inclined to be inordinate and uncontrollable makes me groan. as long as i am in this body i know indwelling sin is still here, much as i wish it wasn't. thus, i pray to always be reminded of what Paul said in Romans 8:23,

"we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly, as we wait for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies."

why did it take much time for me to understand that God in grace prosecute His purpose of drawing me close to Him not by shielding me from assault by everything around me, nor by protecting me from frustrating circumstances, nor yet by shielding me from troubles created by my own temperament and psychology? yet i am truly grateful He made me realize that by exposing me all these things i would be overwhelmed with a sense of my own inadequacy to drive me to cling to Him more closely, that i will learn to hold Him fast and stop being preoccupied about the things that doesn't really matter.