I am a splatter

"There's a beautiful sky tonight and if you were by my side then we could share it but you are gone. So come at me with your moon and burn me in the stars cause nothing matters anymore."
- Saves the Day
Sell all my clothes I'm off to Heaven

I remember feeling stupid as I stood on top of the skyscraper beholding the people below as though I was a child looking at ants while stooping down at a picnic table on the park with my family.

Not only do I feel stupid --I am actually stupid.

I am stupid because...

...because I honestly believe in my heart of hearts that I could go on a charade as though I feel nothing. I admit I am in pain. I've held this for so long that I could no longer keep it.

Who am I to believe that I could control things?

Who am I to think that things might change?

Am I stupid enough to believe that things that felt but are brought out of timing would end up into something good?

Too late for that now. That's the curse of believing in serendipity. There are no fortunate accidents. Only accidents. Only Misfortunes. Both unfortunate.

It's tragic that time is not of the essence. No wait...the issue is not time...it is an issue of emotions...

Emotions...emo...funny how the definition of things change as time passed. I remember listening to Jawbreaker, Promise Ring and Jets to Brazil as a teenager believing that their music is emo-punk (if there ever was a thing). Apparently less than a decade on we'd end up with a blander version of punk and emo for that matter --all there is now are boys in eyeliners, sporting tsunami hairs, wearing their sisters jeans and contemplating about suicide - and here I am just like those damn emo kids doing their thing minus the razor blades.

It's interesting how one suddenly becomes good with words, while perching on top of a building. You suddenly think of things like your last words --my last words.

My last words as I contemplate the prospect of a violent death to rid my miserable existence. Perhaps this time as sirens flare, megaphones hiss and trampolines get unfurled I would release my 'inner emo' and use that to spice my last words...here it goes...

"You have no idea how much I love you
I love you more than you could ever imagine
Beyond all my best intentions
I'd give my life to you in a heartbeat"

These are the words that I want to be remembered by as I stand and brace myself to my death --my escape.

Before I dive I turn on my old walkman which is a remnant of the person I was. As I turn it on I click on the fast forward button to tune in to my suicide soundtrack: NOFX's Scavenger Type.

Alas 'tis set. I press play and plunge to my demise...whispering: "..and I fell like a girl from a balance beam..." a line from Bright Eyes' ballad of a man's epic demise.

I didn't realize that I was up that high I'm almost done with the song I'm already on the third stanza:

"The coins don't drop consistent as does the mercury
His meter slows realizing a zenith
He's reached perfection
No one did see him die"

And as I hear the word die, I felt my skull burst in what sounded like a pumpkin caving in, my neck snap like a twig and the cold silence of things going into slow motion.

The tape in my walk man plays the following track NOFX's Falling in love, and as I lay dying I smiled at the irony of my predicament as I hear the lines:

"Death don't seem so bad, when I'm with you
My only love, so close your eyes
Kiss me one last time,
We're gonna die, but not our love, not our love"

If only it were true...

I reached my zenith. I am a splatter of a man who once lived a life of control. I am finally free...

"...impaled and turned around finally free from the ups and downs"
- Saves The Day
Ups & Downs